Anger: The Bitter Truth

Anger.  I don't know if you are like me, but I like to pretend that word does not impact my life.  What a lie that is.  Anger is a problem that lurks within the walls of our home.  For so long I have felt like I was beating my head against a wall because of my lack of resources to deal with such a hurtful, painful, frustrating emotion.  

Anger is a problem for so many in our family... not just one or two of us either.  How do you tackle something like that when you have no idea how to?

The last month I have been on a mission to grasp any information I can on how to get to the bottom of this problem.  I mean, this family of mine, they need fixing.  If I can just figure out how to make them put this anger aside and be happy, peace would finally fill our home.  

At least, that's what I thought.  Instead, the last month has been a hard road.  One where I'm left feeling humbled.  The problem is not my children or my husband.  Me.  It's me.  

Remember awhile back when I said that after living so much of my life with depression I now have a mess to clean up?  Yup.  Anger.  It is the biggest mess I have been left with.  I have trained my children to throw things, yell, and (as we like to call it) freak out when things do not go as planned or someone upsets you.  There it is.  The bitter truth.  

So how do I fix this?  Well, that's exactly what I've been learning as of late.  Struggling with an angry child is one that requires a parent to change themselves.  By doing so, their children follow suit.  In my case, that means a few things.

Deal with problems head on.  Instead of running from difficult situations, I MUST face each challenge calmly and gracefully.  When you live in depression, calm and graceful are not part of your vocabulary.  Slowly, I'm changing that and it is a beautiful thing.  My children are happier, less fearful, less frustrated, and they feel like they have a voice.

Stop arguing in front of our children.  We've all heard this one a MILLION times, right?  It almost gets old.  Truth is, I stink at this one.  I'm really trying to respect my husband in a way that, for some reason, has been a challenge for me.  Eye rolling.  Sighing.  Yelling.  Condemning.  Ladies and gentlemen, I need work on this.  As I do succeed, I can honestly say the whole family is happier.  That peace I've been longing for, finally becomes a reality when I just back off and take it all in stride.  RESPECT.  He needs respect.  God commands us to do so for one simple reason.  We struggle to do so.  Reflect for a minute.  Are you REALLY respecting him?  Your kids see it and that lack of unity will cause a deep anger in them if it hasn't already.

Fewer words.  Not everything deserves a big long speech.  *insert a huge sigh here*  This one has actually been freeing.  Your kids know what they should or should not do.  I'm learning quickly that fewer words are much more effective and far less frustrating.  Sometimes, a conversation is needed, but 10 times in one day?  Not needed.  Choose your battles wisely and carefully.

Not enough encouragement.  Who doesn't thrive in an environment filled with encouragement?  I just need to encourage lovingly and praise their accomplishments - big and small.  Here I am, the friend who encourages so well, but as a mom I need work on this.  It's time to force myself to live differently.  I can't keep living as if I'm consumed with depression.  I MUST live as if I'm free, because I am and my children need me to live it.

Intentional Relationships.  It is still amazing to me that my children think I AM good enough.  When you spend years telling yourself you're awful, it's a hard concept to grasp.  The truth is, they just want their mom.  They want games, fun, laughter, and simple conversation.  It is still so incredibly difficult for me to truly comprehend.  Time.  More quality time.

Disciplining while angry.  We all know that the words we speak when we are angry tend to be words we really don't mean.  I've spent far too long crushing my children's precious little hearts.  Now is the time when I have to fix that.  The most important way for me to do that is to demonstrate self control by calming down and not speaking words that are counterproductive.  This has been the single most important thing I've done for my kids this last month.  I haven't been perfect at it, but you can see the joy filling their little souls again.  

There are so many more things I can share on this subject, but if anger is an issue you have with one of your children, I hope you find encouragement here.  You are NOT alone.  You can change this with the help of Jesus.  Pray for strength.  He will give it.

My biggest source of learning has come from a book, lent to me by a friend who also faced similar issues.  That book is The Heart of Anger.  I strongly encourage you to get your hands on that book IMMEDIATELY!  It's life changing and if you struggle with any of these same things, you and your children need this book.  Put aside all the other books on your list and read this now.  It's a scripturally sound book and the only book on anger I've read that is worth while.  

Broken

It's been almost a year and a half since Dan's accident and the birth of the twins.  That time has been filled with so much gratitude and awe for God's provision for our family.  I've been blessed to go through the ups and downs of raising two infants and now toddlers at once.  I've been blessed to still have a husband and have the opportunity to stand by his side, caring for him during his recovery.  All of that, along with the other four children, was a lot thrown in my direction at once but I didn't mind it in the least.

I'm one of those people who thrive under pressure and handle difficult, stressful situations pretty well.  I tend to be the one who carries everyone else through by encouraging them, caring for them, supporting them.  You get the idea.  Once everyone is settled and back to normal, I tend to break down and go through my own feelings.  The same ones I just helped everyone else go through.  

About a week ago, I realized that Dan's recovery is really coming to an end.  He still has pain but nightly pain is fading.  The twins are... well, they're the twins.  They're into everything, talking, fighting, playing, interacting.  They're toddlers now.  The older kids are lashing out in ways I hadn't paid a whole lot of attention to over the last year and a half because life just didn't allow it.  

All of this left me in a place of realizing I have yet to deal with my own feelings.  Here I sit.  Lonely, where no one else realizes the war that is within.  The war is simple.  It's a war of feeling lost, sad, hurt, tired, angry at all the things that have endured against the feelings that tell me to move on, keep strong, carry on, be a good mom, be a supportive wife, enjoy all these precious moments.  It's a real war that leaves me feeling like I should run away.  Run to a quiet place and just sleep and cry.

I almost lost my husband.  Holy crap.  I almost lost my husband.  The very real feelings of those moments of uncertainty before I knew how Dan was doing that scary day are still so fresh and real.  It's a wound that has been trying to heal for so long and it's still so raw.

I had twins.  Wow.  Two babies at once.  For so long everyone would ask how I was doing and I honestly responded with, "Really well.  This is the best thing I have ever experienced."  I meant every bit of those words and still do, but today is different.  Today my response would be, "I don't know."  Followed by a puddle of tears falling at their feet, just waiting for someone else to hold me.  

So here I am.  Truly hurting because I can't ignore the feelings that are forcing their way out.  Where does that leave me?  Realizing my need for Jesus.  For a year and a half I told my family to rely on Jesus.  To remember that whatever feelings they had in the midst of our crazy life, Jesus already knew and He was there to wipe away their tears, to give them rest, and to cary them through it all.  Now, I too need the same exact thing.  Jesus.  When all the cards are down and we feel like we are losing that battle, HE is there to pick us up and walk us down the hard road of life, giving us the rest we need until we can walk ourselves.  He's there to love us when it feels like no one else does.     

Never will I leave you,

Never will I forsake you.

Hebrews 13:5

The Grip of Fear

Those two little lines that revealed a little life growing within left us with an excitement that poured from us to all who would listen.  The joy of those around us made it feel that much more real.  

Then came the comment that left me with feelings of nervousness and uncertainty. "It's usually best if you wait to tell others until after the first trimester.  That way, if you lose the baby, you won't have to go through the heartache of telling everyone."

What kind of response should one give to such a statement?  I pondered the thought very slightly and moved on.

Two children later, those two blue lines appeared again.  The timing was not ours, but we were elated.  The excitement was short lived.  The pain was one I didn't even know how to navigate.  No one around me knew how to relate and almost blew it off with comments like, "At least you weren't far along."  I can not fathom the pain of a lost pregnancy further along than what we were experiencing.  Yet, there I was, with the most gory blood I had ever experienced, postpartum emotions, and a husband whose feelings were nearly nonexistent.  I had to tell people in the midst of the pain and I suddenly remembered that comment from my first pregnancy.  

"It's usually best if you wait."

Was there truth in such a strange statement?  Should I have refrained from sharing the joy so prematurely?

Then my fourth pregnancy happened.  How do you share such news?  Do we share?  What if I lost this one too?  Was I ready for more tear filled conversations?  The fear was almost crippling.  Please don't take another baby!  Please let me hold this baby.  Let me look into those little eyes.  PLEASE!

It was then that Christ revealed to me that not sharing this life accomplished nothing more than leaving me to live in fear.  Not allowing others to enjoy the moment, no matter how short or long, was simply letting fear reign over me.  Silence would leave me in a state of wondering, stress, worry, guilt, fear, etc.  God wants joy, freedom, hope, and most importantly, our trust in HIM.  Trust that says we believe that whatever happens on this earth is all for the Glory of HIM, who gives us life.  If I hide another potential loss, I'm simply hiding the glory that He may be desiring for so many to see.  

After our fourth child, we were unexpectedly expecting.  It was as if we were missing a piece of ourselves that we didn't know we were missing.  We didn't have much opportunity to share our news as the second loss we experienced happened so suddenly.  I still shared with our closest friends and family that we had lost another little one.  I didn't want that little life, now gone, to be forgotten.  While the emotions were soaring, the postpartum feelings raged, I settled into the comfort of knowing we did not live in fear.  Instead, we lived in the hope and faithfulness of Christ.

Some will say my story and situation is easier because, "At least I have children to hold."  Yes, I do.  I do not understand the loss that pains the heart of a Mommy who does not have a child to hold.  My heart breaks for you.  My prayer is that you find joy in Christ and he blesses you abundantly.  While I do not understand the extent of your deep pain, I can only encourage you to stand strong in faith.

Healing after Depression

For many years I struggled with my emotions but never understood why.  As a child, punishmemts occured because of my attitude, frustration, anger, disrespect, etc.  The hard part was that so often, I felt out of control.  Simply unable to function as I was supposed to. I always felt like a failure and often took on the belief that I was never going to be capable of success in whatever area I hoped to find success.  

As I began life as a wife, things only seemed to worsen.  I found myself pushing this man away from me in whatever way I could think of.  It was such a messy relationship.  Then we added children and I had a longing to fall in love with this new, beautiful being I had just birthed.  Something in me, however, couldn't.  No matter how hard I tried, something stopped me.  I longed for the connection that others lovingly referred to.  It just didn't come.  Baby after baby, it never came.  I loved them, but that connection.  That bond.  I felt trapped.  I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish but something pulled me deep down into an ocean of tears and kept pulling me further and further away.  

After four children, with children's spirits continually crushed by their own mother, I found an answer.  A disease with a fairly simple treatment - diet.  Within weeks I could think more calmly.   I could feel more deeply.  I could see more clearly.  I felt free for the first time in mylife.  Something as simple as diet could make me feel so alive.  

I basked in this new life for a good amount of time but the excitement faded when I began to see that just because I felt more "nornal", the damage that had been done all those years didn't just go away along with the cloud that hovered me for so long.  Instead, I began to feel deep heartache.  The resentment that those around me held on to from all the hurt they had received, ran so deep.  So incredibly deep.  The disrespect that my sweet, broken children had towards me was real and painful for all of us.

For the last few years I've been left trying to break those hideous habits that I used in order to escape from the life I was incapable of living.  Time.  It has been an eye opening season that has, and is, taking time to recover from.  Not just for me, but for all of us.  I am seeing my children grow in confidence as they feel secure in the love they know I have for them after years of uncertainty.  Their hearts are full and so is mine.  My marriage is in a happier place.  Still wounded but so much sweeter.  Slowly.

As I continue to grow and create new habits in my life, I'm reminded of Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you.  I will never forsake you.

Or

Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.

Not matter our struggles in life, He's there with open arms, guiding us, healing us, and forgiving us.  The only question we have to ask ourselves as we recover from depression is whether or not we desire our family enough to wade through the difficult road of healing.  I assure you, it's so worth it.  Those little faces, the loving arms... they ARE worth it.

Reflecting

This is the view from where I was sitting a year ago today.  

Reflecting back to the moment of Dan's accident, my 2 hour drive to Madison, waiting for his surgery to be over, it all still feels pretty fresh in my mind and yet, at the same time, so distant.  

Isn't it amazing that in the midst of a difficult time in life God takes you, mess and all and forms you into something... well... messy but not as messy?  

It's been a journey of growth in our marriage, growth as a family, blessings, being constantly humbled, and exhaustion.  Exhaustion is a freakin understatement.  The up and downs of Dan's healing over the last year, children, the twins - it looks messy from an outside perspective, I'm sure.  Truth is, this has been the most amazing year of my life.  

Oh Jesus, thank you.  What more can I say.  I'm really at a loss for words.  I am amazed at the blessing that is your provision and graciousness.  Always faithful.  Always.

To all of our friends and family that have dropped what they were doing to help, bring meals, pray, call, stop over, support, cry with, laugh with...  You all have such a special place in our hearts.  We're blessed to have an amazing support system.  NEVER can I repay you for all you have done for us!  THANK YOU!

life with twins

The last two weeks have been filled with a joy that I will never be able to explain, tears, pain, and a love I am so blessed to have.

People are in such surprise when they hear our story.  Some find it ridiculous that we didn't know we were having twins.  Some find it inspiring how God played it all out.  Today, I'm no longer surprised or in shock.  Instead, I'm nothing but grateful to be their mama.  They've brought us such joy and peace in the midst of the trial of Dans recovery.  There's nothing more beautiful than sitting back and seeing a baby in his arms.  After two miscarriages and Dans accident, I have only to be thankful.  All three of them are my miracles.  God gave them to me and didn't take them away when he easily could have allowed it.  He is a God of love and he has showered love on our family.

It hasn't been easy.  The nights are exhausting. The pain Dan has been in has been extreme at times.  Breastfeeding has been a huge challenge.  The kids have had to do a lot of adjusting.  I feel very overwhelmed from time to time.  It has truly been hard.  At the same time, I wouldn't change any of it.  

Thank you God, for these blessings.

Baby? Nope... 2 babies!!!

The last month and a half have been a huge adventure for our family, but all of the events are proving to be apart of one big story.

Just a few days before Christmas, we found that the baby I was carrying was breech.  After an internal exam, it led to premature labor.  It was a risk we had been willing to take to ensure we could continue with our homebirth and avoid a breech hospital birth (something Dan and I did not want).  That lead to 3 weeks of bed rest.  As frustrating as it was, it was an amazing amount of rest that would prove to be valuable in the coming weeks.  At week 37, bed rest was over.  I was thrilled to have time to get things accomplished before the baby would arrive.

Just 1 week after the bed rest, Dan had a really frightening accident.  One that left him with a trip on the medflight to UW Madison hospital.  While I knew he had a serious back injury, I had no idea what I would walk into the ER and see.  Would he be paralyzed?  Did he have feeling in his extremities?  Was he alert? It was the longest hour and a half drive of my entire life.  Thankfully, Dan "simply" had a broken neck.  After surgery, the same night, they had him walking.  I can't tell you how incredible that was.  It was at that moment that I knew it would be a hard road, but we would be ok.

Dan was released from the hospital the following night after surgery.  That frightened me but with help and support from so many around us, his recovery has been so quick.  My biggest fear was going into labor at the same time I needed to be there to take care of Dan.  How could I possibly do both?  He wasn't allowed to walk around without help, shower, go to the bathroom, etc.  He needed me and I wanted to be there.  It was a great time of growth for us.  A time when Dan had to stop being so independent and LET ME take care of HIM.  Constantly, I would find tears in his eyes followed by the words, "Wow... you do love me!"  It was different for us.  We're both so independent and here we were in a situation where we BOTH and to be dependent on others.  Our independence had been stripped from us whether we liked it or not.  Growth... thats what this time was.  Rest, recovery, dependence on God, marriage growth... 

My parents had wonderfully taken the three youngest children for just over a week to give Dan a chance to rest and recover.  On Feb 3, my mom brought the kids back and was going to head home after lunch.  While she was still here, my midwife came to do a normal 40 week checkup.  We did a few things to progress labor and within minutes I had a mild first contraction.  My mom was planning to head home and come back in the morning. It wasn't likely that it would pick up quickly so my midwife headed home and told us to call her when things progressed.  Over the course of the next hour, contractions were about 10 min. apart.  At about an hour and a half in with contracts getting really strong, Dan was on the phone with his friend.  I kept telling him to get off the phone.  I may have used some harsh language to get my point across, but he didn't think it would be a big rush.  I mean, afterall, we had hours left right?  As soon as he hung up I told him to get the pants off of me.  With in minutes with contractions jumping from 10 to less than 3 min. apart, the pain was getting unbearable.  Shortly after I told Dan, "I think I need to push." A couple of breaths.  "I'm going to push."  A few more breaths.  "Catch."  Dan wasn't buying it and I was waiting for him to catch before pushing too much.  "CATCH!"  The next thing I hear was Dan on the phone with my midwife, "Where are you?  THERE'S A HEAD COMING OUT!"  She was two miles away.  "JAN!  I'M HOLDING A BABY!  SHE'S SLIPPERY!!!"  My mom was now in the room holding the baby while Dan was being instructed to lie me down and give me the baby.  Once I started to lie down, I couldn't.  That's when I knew.  We were NOT done!  Back up.  My midwife walked in and baby number two came out breech... butt first.  The yells.  The astonishment.  The craziness of it all.  It was a huge ruckus of mixed emotions from us all.  The first set of twins ever delivered by my midwife.  The first set of twins she ever "missed."  

We had TWO girls!  In an instant our daughter Alanna went from outnumbered by boys 3 to 1 to even numbered... 3 and 3.  Everyone was ecstatic.  Dan was shocked, frightened, amazed.  My head was simply spinning.

We had a name picked out for a boy or a girl, but not two girls.  The first one born was named by Dan.  Abigail Joy.  It means fathers pride.  After all we had just gone through with his accident, Fathers pride was fitting.  Baby number 2 still does not have a name.

Abigail was 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Baby number 2 was 7 pounds.

So how did we miss it?  My measurements were almost exactly the same as my other pregnancies.  We only heard one heartbeat.  The second head did throw us off and left us to wonder if the baby was breech.  All along, there was a breech baby and one not breech.  We had no idea.  Dan and I avoided ultrasounds because we had no reason for one.  Just an added expense.

As crazy as it may seem, it really was Gods plan.  We lost our insurance this  year (thanks Obama) and had we known it was twins, we would not have had a homebirth.  Had Dan not broken his neck, I probably would have delivered the twins myself, at home.  Had he not broken his neck, Dan wouldn't be home for 4 more weeks.  There are so many reasons why things happened the way that they did, even though we didn't see it before.

This has truly been a long road, but it leaves me amazed at how God works things out in his way.

Dear Discouraged Homeschooling Mommy

Dear Discouraged Homeschooling Mommy,

It's one of those days when you feel you are never enough, have enough, give enough, show enough grace, teach enough school work, or have a clean enough house.  The beauty of all of this is what God is trying to teach you right now.  It's in moments like you are having today that he is calling out to you and saying, "You can NOT do this without ME!"

Take five minutes, grab your Bible, read some refreshing words of the Lord, say a prayer and move on with whatever your day brings while walking hand in hand with Christ.  All the while, remind yourself that you are NOT in this ALONE!

Ponder James 1:2-4, Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalm 119:105

You ARE doing a wonderful job. You are not a failure.  Your children are not better off with someone else.  You are doing enough.  Your house is clean enough.  Your children are learning and watching you.  For when you pull together through these tough times you are teaching them a bigger lesson than any math book could ever attempt to.  You can do this.  You are doing this.  You will continue to do this.  However, you will never be alone for God says in Hebrews 13:5 says, "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you."

One Income? How can I possibly homeschool?

When you tell someone that you are living on one income, they tend to assume the bread winner must, of course, have a significant income.  Oh how untrue that is for so many of us.  

For many years, Dan and I have had two incomes.  His full time job and my very busy wedding photography business.  It enabled us to live comfortably, but it was never what we wanted.  We both wanted me to stay home full time, homeschool our children, and live comfortably on one income.  That seemed like a big challenge that we had no idea how to accomplish.  

I kind of had the the mindset that I lived in the best of two worlds.  I was able to work nights and weekends and still homeschool my children.  The truth is, it was exhausting, hard, and wasn't what I wanted for our family.

About two years ago, we both felt strongly that God wanted us to train us photographers that could take over our business so I could completely step away, wiping our hands clean from a second income.  We had NO IDEA if or how that was possible, but we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was what we needed to do.  God brought forth a couple that Dan and I both adore.  Their abilities grew quickly and then I became pregnant with number 5.  That's when we knew it was time to close that chapter of our lives.

God provided ways for us to pay off debt, save money, buy a house, and quit our business.  All of that in one year.  I still am not even sure how we were able to do all of that in a year.  Now, here we sit in our own home, with one income, and expecting baby number 5.  

All of those years with two incomes and we could not pay off our debt or save for a house, let alone buy a house.  It wasn't until we committed to closing that chapter, that God made it all happen in such a short period of time.  That is nothing short of God's hand on our lives and our finances.  It has been a blessing to us to watch God move mountains.  

So, as we embark on our one income life, my encouragement to you is this:

If you doubt that you can homeschool because of finances, but you feel God calling you to homeschool, I strongly encourage you to take a big step of faith.  In those moments of obedience, God provides. The fear of finances should NEVER stop us from being obedient to the things God tells us to do.  It isn't a matter of how will you make ends meet.  It is a matter of will you let GOD make ends meet for your family?

To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool

Last year a number of my friends left both the public and private school settings to begin their journey to homeschool.  With that came criticism from so many, just as it did when Dan and I left a private school to begin homeschooling our children.  People ask new homeschoolers all the time, "Why are you homeschooling?"  It is a valid question that many people ask because they're curious.  It's a question some ask because they think a parent is not capable.  It's also a question asked by those administrators who are unhappy that the numbers in their school are now dropping at an astounding rate while the number of homeschoolers climbs every day.

So, why do many of us homeschool?

Homeschooling is what happens when God convicts you to do something different from the norm.  Those who homeschool don't do so because it's the next fad.  I don't know anyone who signs up for the more difficult option just because their friends are doing it.  We do it because we feel God calling us to raise our children in a different way.  Is he calling all Christians to do so?  Maybe.  I can say, he is calling his people by the masses right now.  Left and right Christians are being convicted to homeschool their children.  He's calling His people out of both public and private schools at a rate that we have never seen before and not one of us fully knows why.  What we do know is that our conviction to homeschool should not be interfered upon by someone else who thinks we are incapable, untrained, or inadequate.  NO ONE. I repeat.  NO ONE is more capable of raising and teaching your children than you are.  No one on the face of the earth can love and care for your child the way you do.  I don't need a 4 year degree to teach me how to manage my family, how to teach 1+1 or even Chemistry (a class I never took), or challenge them to think beyond their current level of knowledge.  All I need is to obey.

If God calls you to homeschool, NOTHING should stand in your way to be obedient to his calling.  Money, fear, and doubt are not reasons to prevent us from homeschooling.  Just like anything else in life, if God calls you, you MUST go.  

The first question to ask is, is he calling you?  The second question to ask is, will you be obedient?

Go.  Be obedient.

Character Training

I usually tell people I'm not a list girl.  Truth is, I am.  I love seeing a list with items crossed off at the end of the day.  It feels complete and fulfilling to see the productivity that was made by the time I am finished each night.

Each morning I sit down and quickly make a list for each of the children.  It's a list that contains the school work I expect hope they finish by the end of the day.  Sometimes, however, that list just does not get completed before daddy gets home.

I'm quickly learning that each list isn't always going to be complete.  I'm not just a teacher to my children each day.  We have other things we have to work on besides just our academics.  One thing that often gets in the way prevents us from completing our tasks is Character Training.  

As parents, it is incredibly easy for us to expect our children to know they shouldn't hit their sibling, lie, argue, throw a tantrum, be disrespectful, etc.  After all, most of us have been going over the same issues with our children for years.  It  can easily leave us feeling as if we are beating our heads against a wall.  How frustrating it can be to repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Why does it have to feel like a never ending battle?

As homeschooling parents, we have a unique opportunity that parents of children in modern education do not have.  We have the ability to see how our children act in so many different environments every day.  We don't head off to a parent teacher conference and find out our child acts a different way than they do at home.  We don't feel surprised one way or the other.  We already know how they act because our relationship with our children really is that different.  We are not over bearing, helicopter parents.  We just have a unique relationship with our children that we should each be thankful for.

That unique relationship allows us to opportunity to truly train our children in character development.  Instead of looking at the repetition of teaching character training as an interference with our homeschooling endeavors, look at it as a blessing.  YOU get to be the one to train your child in the way they should go.  Society doesn't have as strong of a grip on our kids.  These precious little ones are not left to figure it out on their own or by the standards of the world.  How can a teacher of 30 students pay attention to all of the character traits that need developing, and then deal with them out of love for each child?  Our children are not left to learn valuable life lessons from their peers, who are also learning from their peers.  

So as your child disrespects you for the millionth time, remember, it is YOUR calling to teach them.  Repetition does not always feel like our friend, but it IS always our friend!  Over and over again, God is standing with you guiding you to teach your children the character traits they so desperately need to learn.  So stand strong parents!  The academics WILL get completed, but not at the sacrifice of teaching our children the character traits God calls us to teach them.  After all, that is far more important than the academics!

An unproductive day or a gift in disguise?

We all have those days.  You know, the one where you lie your head down at night and think about how your homeschooling day would have been so much more productive if you had just managed your time better?

I'm realizing quickly how laughable that is.  Is time management really what I need or do I just need to teach myself to have grace for the days that things simply do not go as planned?  An even bigger question I am often left to ponder is if I need to focus less on the task at hand and more on character issues in myself or my children that are causing our lack of productivity?  

I'm learning that it's usually a lot less of a time management issue and far more of a character issue.  Am I being too lackadaisical for my own selfish reasons?  Are the children being disrespectful, lazy, obstinate?

Those days when I want to throw in the towel are usually the days I need to step back for a minute, regroup, come back with the love of Christ, and be ready to train my children or embrace the training God is putting in front of me.  Instead of beating myself up for not being more productive, I need to learn to pay attention to the lessons God desires to teach me or my children.  Every unproductive moment is not a failure.  It's an opportunity to learn valuable things that our homeschooled children get the benefit of learning on a greater scale than they did when they were in school.  

So as all of us go through our homeschool day, remember, each moment is a blessing.  Today is the day to embrace each moment with the love of Christ.

Socialization

How often have we heard the comment, "Homeschoolers are not well socialized."  Really?  Who decided that?  I have theories, but that's not why I write this.

For our end of the year Classical Conversations class last spring, we all went to the park (despite the rain).  The children ranged from 2 years to 15 years old.  After a short time of being there, a group of middle schoolers or young high schoolers arrived and huddled under a covering on the playground.  It wasn't hard to see their snotty, cliquish behavior while they were standing there in a group.  While I found myself annoyed, I quickly looked over to see my 8 year old son playing with 15 year old, homeschooled, triplet boys without any hesitation at all.  It wasn't one of those situations where the teenagers had to play with my son.  It also wasn't one that seemed more like a babysitter watching over him.  They were peers, playing on a playground and enjoying each others company.  

It's situations like this that have proven to me that homeschoolers are far more socialized than most school attending children.  When I was in school, playing with the younger children wasn't meant to allow the opportunity to become peers.  Instead, it was meant to teach us to care for and help those who are younger.  That's all fine and well, but take the work place for example.  In most companies the older employee looks down on the younger (not all, but many that I have experienced).  As a business owner, I assure you, I would much rather hire someone who knows how to work as a team with others, no matter what their age, rather than the alternative.  Separating children by age does a disservice to our community more than it helps.  Some may disagree with that, but when you see situations like I have had the privilege of experiencing since the start of homeschooling, you would probably think differently.  How often do you find a child who can sit down and have an intelligent conversation with an adult in a respectful way?  That was something I didn't realize was possible for all children rather than a few until we started homeschooling.  A well socialized child is one who can engage in social situations with people of all age groups.  That is the definition of most homeschoolers!

I am not saying my children are better than their counterparts.  I'm saying we have a backwards way of thinking in a broken system run by well meaning adults who just want to equip children to the best of their abilities.  Unfortunately, the system has gone astray.

Just another reason I'm thankful to be a homeschooler!

Oh, the guilt.

Maybe it's because of the crummy, cold weather invading our lives.  Maybe it's because they're sick of each other.  Either way, these kids of mine, who are supposed to be sweet and loving have been nothing short of little terrors.  They're running through this house arguing, fighting, bickering.  Whatever word you choose to give it, that's what they have been doing.  

Lets be honest.  When a mom has a few days in a row that are full of chaos, sometimes she holds it together with grace and love and sometimes she morphs into an insane, vicious and ugly monster.  I have to say, the last few days, I've had more ugly monster moments than graceful loving moments.

Once I lie my head down at the end of the day, my brain refuses to leave me alone.  The thoughts of guilt pile on so thick it feels like I can breathe, let alone sleep.  Those are the nights where I end up with a measly 4 hours of sleep.  How is a mom supposed to be a graceful, loving mom when she has had such little rest and a night full of paralyzing guilt?  What do we do with that guilt?

2 corinthians 7:10 says that guilt can do one of two things.  If it's a Godly guilt it will lead us to repentance but if it is a worldly guilt it will lead to death.  So ask yourself when you lie down at night, is that guilt going to make you a better mom and lead you to the feet of God or just tear you down?

Most of us can probably agree that the guilt we experience after a rough day(s) with our children usually isn't a God given thought to lead us to repentance.  It's in those moments that I reach out to my husband (Dan) for help.  See, this is something I struggle with at least once a week.  I have to wake up my husband, tell him what I feeling and ask him to pray for me.  I need his leadership to bring me back to the feet of Christ and remind me that my failures do not surprise God.  Dan often reminds me to take my thoughts captive (reference from 2 Corinthians 10:5)  I have to literally picture myself grabbing my thoughts and putting them at the feet of God.  There is no better place to go in those moments of mommy guilt but in the arms of the one who is the author of peace.

Have peace of mind in knowing that you are doing your best.  You WILL fail.  You will let your children down.  You will let your husband down.  You will NOT let God down!  Let him meet you where you are and let him help you clean up the pieces and start fresh in the morning.  

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

 great is your faithfulness. 

Lamentations 3:22-23

We're So Offensive

We are living in a time when sensitivities are at the surface, often vented with cutting words. Philosophically, you can believe Anything, so long as you do not claim it to be true. Morally, you can practice anything, so long as you do not claim that it is a "better" way. - Ravi Zacharias

We've all heard it before in some way, shape, or form.  People have told us that we can believe whatever we want as long as we don't try to push it on others.  

What does that mean?  

It means a lot of things.  We are a society that does not want to hear opposing views and beliefs.  We fight and argue but we refuse to listen to another person.  Is that the problem or is it that most people have their minds made up and can't back up their beliefs with hard facts?  Is it that people do not know how to have a healthy, good conversation with someone who believes something else?

Christians are lacking the knowledge and wisdom they need in order to make a positive impact on the world.  A teenager can not stand up and tell you why they believe what they believe other than because they were told to believe it.

The problem starts with education.  We are so caught up in making school fun and enjoyable that we no longer teach our children fundamental principles that will allow them to truly enjoy their educational journey.  You can not create a love for learning in a student if he does not understand the basics.  Learning becomes frustrating and more about "getting through."  

We need to stop being a naive, ignorant nation that believes what we are told without doing the research on our own.  We need to stop being afraid of offending people and start having meaningful, educated conversations again.  The days of such conversations seem to be long past, but it's high time we bring them back for the sake of our children and our children's children.

I'm not a Supermom!

Has anyone ever said to you, "You're supermom!"  Or maybe you have called a family member, friend, or stranger "supermom".  

I have to admit, I cringe whenever I hear those words escape the mouth of someone who stands in awe of me for whatever reason.  Of course they are well intentioned comments, but true?  Not really.  

It breaks my heart when that comment comes to me from another mom.  Especially when that mom feels down on herself because of something I do/did.  I don't want a mom to look at me and wish they could do what I could.  I don't want someone to feel down on themselves for whatever reason.  I definitely want all moms to just be inspired or to glean ideas.  

My heart aches when that comment is followed by the rolling of eyes.  I just want to scream, "I'm not any better than anyone!  Don't you see?  I fail too!"  

The truth is, that mom who rolls her eyes, is no less amazing than the rest.  We all have something great in us that we are good at.   Just because someone is better at multitasking, playing with her children, or preparing a better birthday party, it doesn't mean she is a better mom or even Supermom.  It just means she's good at something.

A lot of times, I hear the comment "You're a supermom" from a mom who has less children than I do.  If that thought has ever rolled across your mind about someone with more children, just remember this fact, she struggled when she only had one child or even two children.  Each season in a moms life brings fourth different challenges.  Each season is difficult in it's own right.  Being a mom is NEVER "easy," but it is always worth it.

Recently I heard someone say, "she never comes empty handed" about a friend of theirs.  The comments that followed were ones of annoyance, in a sense, because that mom didn't feel she "measured up" in some way.  My question is, why do we have to joke about women like that and roll our eyes?  That women is doing the talent God gave her.  She does it to show you love, not to make you feel bad.

What about the mom who always comes empty handed, but she ALWAYS comes!  She may not have time or the gifting to bring you something, but she does have the gifting to be there for you.

My point is, we're all different.  We have different giftings and instead of beating ourselves up or each other up, we need to start showing appreciation.  We need to realize that the "over achieving" mom is really just doing all she knows.  She's living life.

So when you get annoyed by that "Supermom", just remember, she fails too.  She yells at her kids, fails to get things done, doesn't spend enough time with her husband, etc.  We all struggle.  You're not alone!!!