Anger: The Bitter Truth

Anger.  I don't know if you are like me, but I like to pretend that word does not impact my life.  What a lie that is.  Anger is a problem that lurks within the walls of our home.  For so long I have felt like I was beating my head against a wall because of my lack of resources to deal with such a hurtful, painful, frustrating emotion.  

Anger is a problem for so many in our family... not just one or two of us either.  How do you tackle something like that when you have no idea how to?

The last month I have been on a mission to grasp any information I can on how to get to the bottom of this problem.  I mean, this family of mine, they need fixing.  If I can just figure out how to make them put this anger aside and be happy, peace would finally fill our home.  

At least, that's what I thought.  Instead, the last month has been a hard road.  One where I'm left feeling humbled.  The problem is not my children or my husband.  Me.  It's me.  

Remember awhile back when I said that after living so much of my life with depression I now have a mess to clean up?  Yup.  Anger.  It is the biggest mess I have been left with.  I have trained my children to throw things, yell, and (as we like to call it) freak out when things do not go as planned or someone upsets you.  There it is.  The bitter truth.  

So how do I fix this?  Well, that's exactly what I've been learning as of late.  Struggling with an angry child is one that requires a parent to change themselves.  By doing so, their children follow suit.  In my case, that means a few things.

Deal with problems head on.  Instead of running from difficult situations, I MUST face each challenge calmly and gracefully.  When you live in depression, calm and graceful are not part of your vocabulary.  Slowly, I'm changing that and it is a beautiful thing.  My children are happier, less fearful, less frustrated, and they feel like they have a voice.

Stop arguing in front of our children.  We've all heard this one a MILLION times, right?  It almost gets old.  Truth is, I stink at this one.  I'm really trying to respect my husband in a way that, for some reason, has been a challenge for me.  Eye rolling.  Sighing.  Yelling.  Condemning.  Ladies and gentlemen, I need work on this.  As I do succeed, I can honestly say the whole family is happier.  That peace I've been longing for, finally becomes a reality when I just back off and take it all in stride.  RESPECT.  He needs respect.  God commands us to do so for one simple reason.  We struggle to do so.  Reflect for a minute.  Are you REALLY respecting him?  Your kids see it and that lack of unity will cause a deep anger in them if it hasn't already.

Fewer words.  Not everything deserves a big long speech.  *insert a huge sigh here*  This one has actually been freeing.  Your kids know what they should or should not do.  I'm learning quickly that fewer words are much more effective and far less frustrating.  Sometimes, a conversation is needed, but 10 times in one day?  Not needed.  Choose your battles wisely and carefully.

Not enough encouragement.  Who doesn't thrive in an environment filled with encouragement?  I just need to encourage lovingly and praise their accomplishments - big and small.  Here I am, the friend who encourages so well, but as a mom I need work on this.  It's time to force myself to live differently.  I can't keep living as if I'm consumed with depression.  I MUST live as if I'm free, because I am and my children need me to live it.

Intentional Relationships.  It is still amazing to me that my children think I AM good enough.  When you spend years telling yourself you're awful, it's a hard concept to grasp.  The truth is, they just want their mom.  They want games, fun, laughter, and simple conversation.  It is still so incredibly difficult for me to truly comprehend.  Time.  More quality time.

Disciplining while angry.  We all know that the words we speak when we are angry tend to be words we really don't mean.  I've spent far too long crushing my children's precious little hearts.  Now is the time when I have to fix that.  The most important way for me to do that is to demonstrate self control by calming down and not speaking words that are counterproductive.  This has been the single most important thing I've done for my kids this last month.  I haven't been perfect at it, but you can see the joy filling their little souls again.  

There are so many more things I can share on this subject, but if anger is an issue you have with one of your children, I hope you find encouragement here.  You are NOT alone.  You can change this with the help of Jesus.  Pray for strength.  He will give it.

My biggest source of learning has come from a book, lent to me by a friend who also faced similar issues.  That book is The Heart of Anger.  I strongly encourage you to get your hands on that book IMMEDIATELY!  It's life changing and if you struggle with any of these same things, you and your children need this book.  Put aside all the other books on your list and read this now.  It's a scripturally sound book and the only book on anger I've read that is worth while.  

Broken

It's been almost a year and a half since Dan's accident and the birth of the twins.  That time has been filled with so much gratitude and awe for God's provision for our family.  I've been blessed to go through the ups and downs of raising two infants and now toddlers at once.  I've been blessed to still have a husband and have the opportunity to stand by his side, caring for him during his recovery.  All of that, along with the other four children, was a lot thrown in my direction at once but I didn't mind it in the least.

I'm one of those people who thrive under pressure and handle difficult, stressful situations pretty well.  I tend to be the one who carries everyone else through by encouraging them, caring for them, supporting them.  You get the idea.  Once everyone is settled and back to normal, I tend to break down and go through my own feelings.  The same ones I just helped everyone else go through.  

About a week ago, I realized that Dan's recovery is really coming to an end.  He still has pain but nightly pain is fading.  The twins are... well, they're the twins.  They're into everything, talking, fighting, playing, interacting.  They're toddlers now.  The older kids are lashing out in ways I hadn't paid a whole lot of attention to over the last year and a half because life just didn't allow it.  

All of this left me in a place of realizing I have yet to deal with my own feelings.  Here I sit.  Lonely, where no one else realizes the war that is within.  The war is simple.  It's a war of feeling lost, sad, hurt, tired, angry at all the things that have endured against the feelings that tell me to move on, keep strong, carry on, be a good mom, be a supportive wife, enjoy all these precious moments.  It's a real war that leaves me feeling like I should run away.  Run to a quiet place and just sleep and cry.

I almost lost my husband.  Holy crap.  I almost lost my husband.  The very real feelings of those moments of uncertainty before I knew how Dan was doing that scary day are still so fresh and real.  It's a wound that has been trying to heal for so long and it's still so raw.

I had twins.  Wow.  Two babies at once.  For so long everyone would ask how I was doing and I honestly responded with, "Really well.  This is the best thing I have ever experienced."  I meant every bit of those words and still do, but today is different.  Today my response would be, "I don't know."  Followed by a puddle of tears falling at their feet, just waiting for someone else to hold me.  

So here I am.  Truly hurting because I can't ignore the feelings that are forcing their way out.  Where does that leave me?  Realizing my need for Jesus.  For a year and a half I told my family to rely on Jesus.  To remember that whatever feelings they had in the midst of our crazy life, Jesus already knew and He was there to wipe away their tears, to give them rest, and to cary them through it all.  Now, I too need the same exact thing.  Jesus.  When all the cards are down and we feel like we are losing that battle, HE is there to pick us up and walk us down the hard road of life, giving us the rest we need until we can walk ourselves.  He's there to love us when it feels like no one else does.     

Never will I leave you,

Never will I forsake you.

Hebrews 13:5

The Grip of Fear

Those two little lines that revealed a little life growing within left us with an excitement that poured from us to all who would listen.  The joy of those around us made it feel that much more real.  

Then came the comment that left me with feelings of nervousness and uncertainty. "It's usually best if you wait to tell others until after the first trimester.  That way, if you lose the baby, you won't have to go through the heartache of telling everyone."

What kind of response should one give to such a statement?  I pondered the thought very slightly and moved on.

Two children later, those two blue lines appeared again.  The timing was not ours, but we were elated.  The excitement was short lived.  The pain was one I didn't even know how to navigate.  No one around me knew how to relate and almost blew it off with comments like, "At least you weren't far along."  I can not fathom the pain of a lost pregnancy further along than what we were experiencing.  Yet, there I was, with the most gory blood I had ever experienced, postpartum emotions, and a husband whose feelings were nearly nonexistent.  I had to tell people in the midst of the pain and I suddenly remembered that comment from my first pregnancy.  

"It's usually best if you wait."

Was there truth in such a strange statement?  Should I have refrained from sharing the joy so prematurely?

Then my fourth pregnancy happened.  How do you share such news?  Do we share?  What if I lost this one too?  Was I ready for more tear filled conversations?  The fear was almost crippling.  Please don't take another baby!  Please let me hold this baby.  Let me look into those little eyes.  PLEASE!

It was then that Christ revealed to me that not sharing this life accomplished nothing more than leaving me to live in fear.  Not allowing others to enjoy the moment, no matter how short or long, was simply letting fear reign over me.  Silence would leave me in a state of wondering, stress, worry, guilt, fear, etc.  God wants joy, freedom, hope, and most importantly, our trust in HIM.  Trust that says we believe that whatever happens on this earth is all for the Glory of HIM, who gives us life.  If I hide another potential loss, I'm simply hiding the glory that He may be desiring for so many to see.  

After our fourth child, we were unexpectedly expecting.  It was as if we were missing a piece of ourselves that we didn't know we were missing.  We didn't have much opportunity to share our news as the second loss we experienced happened so suddenly.  I still shared with our closest friends and family that we had lost another little one.  I didn't want that little life, now gone, to be forgotten.  While the emotions were soaring, the postpartum feelings raged, I settled into the comfort of knowing we did not live in fear.  Instead, we lived in the hope and faithfulness of Christ.

Some will say my story and situation is easier because, "At least I have children to hold."  Yes, I do.  I do not understand the loss that pains the heart of a Mommy who does not have a child to hold.  My heart breaks for you.  My prayer is that you find joy in Christ and he blesses you abundantly.  While I do not understand the extent of your deep pain, I can only encourage you to stand strong in faith.

Healing after Depression

For many years I struggled with my emotions but never understood why.  As a child, punishmemts occured because of my attitude, frustration, anger, disrespect, etc.  The hard part was that so often, I felt out of control.  Simply unable to function as I was supposed to. I always felt like a failure and often took on the belief that I was never going to be capable of success in whatever area I hoped to find success.  

As I began life as a wife, things only seemed to worsen.  I found myself pushing this man away from me in whatever way I could think of.  It was such a messy relationship.  Then we added children and I had a longing to fall in love with this new, beautiful being I had just birthed.  Something in me, however, couldn't.  No matter how hard I tried, something stopped me.  I longed for the connection that others lovingly referred to.  It just didn't come.  Baby after baby, it never came.  I loved them, but that connection.  That bond.  I felt trapped.  I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish but something pulled me deep down into an ocean of tears and kept pulling me further and further away.  

After four children, with children's spirits continually crushed by their own mother, I found an answer.  A disease with a fairly simple treatment - diet.  Within weeks I could think more calmly.   I could feel more deeply.  I could see more clearly.  I felt free for the first time in mylife.  Something as simple as diet could make me feel so alive.  

I basked in this new life for a good amount of time but the excitement faded when I began to see that just because I felt more "nornal", the damage that had been done all those years didn't just go away along with the cloud that hovered me for so long.  Instead, I began to feel deep heartache.  The resentment that those around me held on to from all the hurt they had received, ran so deep.  So incredibly deep.  The disrespect that my sweet, broken children had towards me was real and painful for all of us.

For the last few years I've been left trying to break those hideous habits that I used in order to escape from the life I was incapable of living.  Time.  It has been an eye opening season that has, and is, taking time to recover from.  Not just for me, but for all of us.  I am seeing my children grow in confidence as they feel secure in the love they know I have for them after years of uncertainty.  Their hearts are full and so is mine.  My marriage is in a happier place.  Still wounded but so much sweeter.  Slowly.

As I continue to grow and create new habits in my life, I'm reminded of Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you.  I will never forsake you.

Or

Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.

Not matter our struggles in life, He's there with open arms, guiding us, healing us, and forgiving us.  The only question we have to ask ourselves as we recover from depression is whether or not we desire our family enough to wade through the difficult road of healing.  I assure you, it's so worth it.  Those little faces, the loving arms... they ARE worth it.

Reflecting

This is the view from where I was sitting a year ago today.  

Reflecting back to the moment of Dan's accident, my 2 hour drive to Madison, waiting for his surgery to be over, it all still feels pretty fresh in my mind and yet, at the same time, so distant.  

Isn't it amazing that in the midst of a difficult time in life God takes you, mess and all and forms you into something... well... messy but not as messy?  

It's been a journey of growth in our marriage, growth as a family, blessings, being constantly humbled, and exhaustion.  Exhaustion is a freakin understatement.  The up and downs of Dan's healing over the last year, children, the twins - it looks messy from an outside perspective, I'm sure.  Truth is, this has been the most amazing year of my life.  

Oh Jesus, thank you.  What more can I say.  I'm really at a loss for words.  I am amazed at the blessing that is your provision and graciousness.  Always faithful.  Always.

To all of our friends and family that have dropped what they were doing to help, bring meals, pray, call, stop over, support, cry with, laugh with...  You all have such a special place in our hearts.  We're blessed to have an amazing support system.  NEVER can I repay you for all you have done for us!  THANK YOU!