For many years I struggled with my emotions but never understood why. As a child, punishmemts occured because of my attitude, frustration, anger, disrespect, etc. The hard part was that so often, I felt out of control. Simply unable to function as I was supposed to. I always felt like a failure and often took on the belief that I was never going to be capable of success in whatever area I hoped to find success.
As I began life as a wife, things only seemed to worsen. I found myself pushing this man away from me in whatever way I could think of. It was such a messy relationship. Then we added children and I had a longing to fall in love with this new, beautiful being I had just birthed. Something in me, however, couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, something stopped me. I longed for the connection that others lovingly referred to. It just didn't come. Baby after baby, it never came. I loved them, but that connection. That bond. I felt trapped. I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish but something pulled me deep down into an ocean of tears and kept pulling me further and further away.
After four children, with children's spirits continually crushed by their own mother, I found an answer. A disease with a fairly simple treatment - diet. Within weeks I could think more calmly. I could feel more deeply. I could see more clearly. I felt free for the first time in mylife. Something as simple as diet could make me feel so alive.
I basked in this new life for a good amount of time but the excitement faded when I began to see that just because I felt more "nornal", the damage that had been done all those years didn't just go away along with the cloud that hovered me for so long. Instead, I began to feel deep heartache. The resentment that those around me held on to from all the hurt they had received, ran so deep. So incredibly deep. The disrespect that my sweet, broken children had towards me was real and painful for all of us.
For the last few years I've been left trying to break those hideous habits that I used in order to escape from the life I was incapable of living. Time. It has been an eye opening season that has, and is, taking time to recover from. Not just for me, but for all of us. I am seeing my children grow in confidence as they feel secure in the love they know I have for them after years of uncertainty. Their hearts are full and so is mine. My marriage is in a happier place. Still wounded but so much sweeter. Slowly.
As I continue to grow and create new habits in my life, I'm reminded of Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you. I will never forsake you.
Or
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Not matter our struggles in life, He's there with open arms, guiding us, healing us, and forgiving us. The only question we have to ask ourselves as we recover from depression is whether or not we desire our family enough to wade through the difficult road of healing. I assure you, it's so worth it. Those little faces, the loving arms... they ARE worth it.
As I continue to grow and create new habits in my life, I'm reminded of Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you. I will never forsake you.
Or
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Not matter our struggles in life, He's there with open arms, guiding us, healing us, and forgiving us. The only question we have to ask ourselves as we recover from depression is whether or not we desire our family enough to wade through the difficult road of healing. I assure you, it's so worth it. Those little faces, the loving arms... they ARE worth it.
