Those two little lines that revealed a little life growing within left us with an excitement that poured from us to all who would listen. The joy of those around us made it feel that much more real.
Then came the comment that left me with feelings of nervousness and uncertainty. "It's usually best if you wait to tell others until after the first trimester. That way, if you lose the baby, you won't have to go through the heartache of telling everyone."
What kind of response should one give to such a statement? I pondered the thought very slightly and moved on.
Two children later, those two blue lines appeared again. The timing was not ours, but we were elated. The excitement was short lived. The pain was one I didn't even know how to navigate. No one around me knew how to relate and almost blew it off with comments like, "At least you weren't far along." I can not fathom the pain of a lost pregnancy further along than what we were experiencing. Yet, there I was, with the most gory blood I had ever experienced, postpartum emotions, and a husband whose feelings were nearly nonexistent. I had to tell people in the midst of the pain and I suddenly remembered that comment from my first pregnancy.
"It's usually best if you wait."
Was there truth in such a strange statement? Should I have refrained from sharing the joy so prematurely?
Then my fourth pregnancy happened. How do you share such news? Do we share? What if I lost this one too? Was I ready for more tear filled conversations? The fear was almost crippling. Please don't take another baby! Please let me hold this baby. Let me look into those little eyes. PLEASE!
It was then that Christ revealed to me that not sharing this life accomplished nothing more than leaving me to live in fear. Not allowing others to enjoy the moment, no matter how short or long, was simply letting fear reign over me. Silence would leave me in a state of wondering, stress, worry, guilt, fear, etc. God wants joy, freedom, hope, and most importantly, our trust in HIM. Trust that says we believe that whatever happens on this earth is all for the Glory of HIM, who gives us life. If I hide another potential loss, I'm simply hiding the glory that He may be desiring for so many to see.
After our fourth child, we were unexpectedly expecting. It was as if we were missing a piece of ourselves that we didn't know we were missing. We didn't have much opportunity to share our news as the second loss we experienced happened so suddenly. I still shared with our closest friends and family that we had lost another little one. I didn't want that little life, now gone, to be forgotten. While the emotions were soaring, the postpartum feelings raged, I settled into the comfort of knowing we did not live in fear. Instead, we lived in the hope and faithfulness of Christ.
Some will say my story and situation is easier because, "At least I have children to hold." Yes, I do. I do not understand the loss that pains the heart of a Mommy who does not have a child to hold. My heart breaks for you. My prayer is that you find joy in Christ and he blesses you abundantly. While I do not understand the extent of your deep pain, I can only encourage you to stand strong in faith.
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