Healing after Depression

For many years I struggled with my emotions but never understood why.  As a child, punishmemts occured because of my attitude, frustration, anger, disrespect, etc.  The hard part was that so often, I felt out of control.  Simply unable to function as I was supposed to. I always felt like a failure and often took on the belief that I was never going to be capable of success in whatever area I hoped to find success.  

As I began life as a wife, things only seemed to worsen.  I found myself pushing this man away from me in whatever way I could think of.  It was such a messy relationship.  Then we added children and I had a longing to fall in love with this new, beautiful being I had just birthed.  Something in me, however, couldn't.  No matter how hard I tried, something stopped me.  I longed for the connection that others lovingly referred to.  It just didn't come.  Baby after baby, it never came.  I loved them, but that connection.  That bond.  I felt trapped.  I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish but something pulled me deep down into an ocean of tears and kept pulling me further and further away.  

After four children, with children's spirits continually crushed by their own mother, I found an answer.  A disease with a fairly simple treatment - diet.  Within weeks I could think more calmly.   I could feel more deeply.  I could see more clearly.  I felt free for the first time in mylife.  Something as simple as diet could make me feel so alive.  

I basked in this new life for a good amount of time but the excitement faded when I began to see that just because I felt more "nornal", the damage that had been done all those years didn't just go away along with the cloud that hovered me for so long.  Instead, I began to feel deep heartache.  The resentment that those around me held on to from all the hurt they had received, ran so deep.  So incredibly deep.  The disrespect that my sweet, broken children had towards me was real and painful for all of us.

For the last few years I've been left trying to break those hideous habits that I used in order to escape from the life I was incapable of living.  Time.  It has been an eye opening season that has, and is, taking time to recover from.  Not just for me, but for all of us.  I am seeing my children grow in confidence as they feel secure in the love they know I have for them after years of uncertainty.  Their hearts are full and so is mine.  My marriage is in a happier place.  Still wounded but so much sweeter.  Slowly.

As I continue to grow and create new habits in my life, I'm reminded of Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you.  I will never forsake you.

Or

Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.

Not matter our struggles in life, He's there with open arms, guiding us, healing us, and forgiving us.  The only question we have to ask ourselves as we recover from depression is whether or not we desire our family enough to wade through the difficult road of healing.  I assure you, it's so worth it.  Those little faces, the loving arms... they ARE worth it.

Reflecting

This is the view from where I was sitting a year ago today.  

Reflecting back to the moment of Dan's accident, my 2 hour drive to Madison, waiting for his surgery to be over, it all still feels pretty fresh in my mind and yet, at the same time, so distant.  

Isn't it amazing that in the midst of a difficult time in life God takes you, mess and all and forms you into something... well... messy but not as messy?  

It's been a journey of growth in our marriage, growth as a family, blessings, being constantly humbled, and exhaustion.  Exhaustion is a freakin understatement.  The up and downs of Dan's healing over the last year, children, the twins - it looks messy from an outside perspective, I'm sure.  Truth is, this has been the most amazing year of my life.  

Oh Jesus, thank you.  What more can I say.  I'm really at a loss for words.  I am amazed at the blessing that is your provision and graciousness.  Always faithful.  Always.

To all of our friends and family that have dropped what they were doing to help, bring meals, pray, call, stop over, support, cry with, laugh with...  You all have such a special place in our hearts.  We're blessed to have an amazing support system.  NEVER can I repay you for all you have done for us!  THANK YOU!

life with twins

The last two weeks have been filled with a joy that I will never be able to explain, tears, pain, and a love I am so blessed to have.

People are in such surprise when they hear our story.  Some find it ridiculous that we didn't know we were having twins.  Some find it inspiring how God played it all out.  Today, I'm no longer surprised or in shock.  Instead, I'm nothing but grateful to be their mama.  They've brought us such joy and peace in the midst of the trial of Dans recovery.  There's nothing more beautiful than sitting back and seeing a baby in his arms.  After two miscarriages and Dans accident, I have only to be thankful.  All three of them are my miracles.  God gave them to me and didn't take them away when he easily could have allowed it.  He is a God of love and he has showered love on our family.

It hasn't been easy.  The nights are exhausting. The pain Dan has been in has been extreme at times.  Breastfeeding has been a huge challenge.  The kids have had to do a lot of adjusting.  I feel very overwhelmed from time to time.  It has truly been hard.  At the same time, I wouldn't change any of it.  

Thank you God, for these blessings.

Baby? Nope... 2 babies!!!

The last month and a half have been a huge adventure for our family, but all of the events are proving to be apart of one big story.

Just a few days before Christmas, we found that the baby I was carrying was breech.  After an internal exam, it led to premature labor.  It was a risk we had been willing to take to ensure we could continue with our homebirth and avoid a breech hospital birth (something Dan and I did not want).  That lead to 3 weeks of bed rest.  As frustrating as it was, it was an amazing amount of rest that would prove to be valuable in the coming weeks.  At week 37, bed rest was over.  I was thrilled to have time to get things accomplished before the baby would arrive.

Just 1 week after the bed rest, Dan had a really frightening accident.  One that left him with a trip on the medflight to UW Madison hospital.  While I knew he had a serious back injury, I had no idea what I would walk into the ER and see.  Would he be paralyzed?  Did he have feeling in his extremities?  Was he alert? It was the longest hour and a half drive of my entire life.  Thankfully, Dan "simply" had a broken neck.  After surgery, the same night, they had him walking.  I can't tell you how incredible that was.  It was at that moment that I knew it would be a hard road, but we would be ok.

Dan was released from the hospital the following night after surgery.  That frightened me but with help and support from so many around us, his recovery has been so quick.  My biggest fear was going into labor at the same time I needed to be there to take care of Dan.  How could I possibly do both?  He wasn't allowed to walk around without help, shower, go to the bathroom, etc.  He needed me and I wanted to be there.  It was a great time of growth for us.  A time when Dan had to stop being so independent and LET ME take care of HIM.  Constantly, I would find tears in his eyes followed by the words, "Wow... you do love me!"  It was different for us.  We're both so independent and here we were in a situation where we BOTH and to be dependent on others.  Our independence had been stripped from us whether we liked it or not.  Growth... thats what this time was.  Rest, recovery, dependence on God, marriage growth... 

My parents had wonderfully taken the three youngest children for just over a week to give Dan a chance to rest and recover.  On Feb 3, my mom brought the kids back and was going to head home after lunch.  While she was still here, my midwife came to do a normal 40 week checkup.  We did a few things to progress labor and within minutes I had a mild first contraction.  My mom was planning to head home and come back in the morning. It wasn't likely that it would pick up quickly so my midwife headed home and told us to call her when things progressed.  Over the course of the next hour, contractions were about 10 min. apart.  At about an hour and a half in with contracts getting really strong, Dan was on the phone with his friend.  I kept telling him to get off the phone.  I may have used some harsh language to get my point across, but he didn't think it would be a big rush.  I mean, afterall, we had hours left right?  As soon as he hung up I told him to get the pants off of me.  With in minutes with contractions jumping from 10 to less than 3 min. apart, the pain was getting unbearable.  Shortly after I told Dan, "I think I need to push." A couple of breaths.  "I'm going to push."  A few more breaths.  "Catch."  Dan wasn't buying it and I was waiting for him to catch before pushing too much.  "CATCH!"  The next thing I hear was Dan on the phone with my midwife, "Where are you?  THERE'S A HEAD COMING OUT!"  She was two miles away.  "JAN!  I'M HOLDING A BABY!  SHE'S SLIPPERY!!!"  My mom was now in the room holding the baby while Dan was being instructed to lie me down and give me the baby.  Once I started to lie down, I couldn't.  That's when I knew.  We were NOT done!  Back up.  My midwife walked in and baby number two came out breech... butt first.  The yells.  The astonishment.  The craziness of it all.  It was a huge ruckus of mixed emotions from us all.  The first set of twins ever delivered by my midwife.  The first set of twins she ever "missed."  

We had TWO girls!  In an instant our daughter Alanna went from outnumbered by boys 3 to 1 to even numbered... 3 and 3.  Everyone was ecstatic.  Dan was shocked, frightened, amazed.  My head was simply spinning.

We had a name picked out for a boy or a girl, but not two girls.  The first one born was named by Dan.  Abigail Joy.  It means fathers pride.  After all we had just gone through with his accident, Fathers pride was fitting.  Baby number 2 still does not have a name.

Abigail was 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Baby number 2 was 7 pounds.

So how did we miss it?  My measurements were almost exactly the same as my other pregnancies.  We only heard one heartbeat.  The second head did throw us off and left us to wonder if the baby was breech.  All along, there was a breech baby and one not breech.  We had no idea.  Dan and I avoided ultrasounds because we had no reason for one.  Just an added expense.

As crazy as it may seem, it really was Gods plan.  We lost our insurance this  year (thanks Obama) and had we known it was twins, we would not have had a homebirth.  Had Dan not broken his neck, I probably would have delivered the twins myself, at home.  Had he not broken his neck, Dan wouldn't be home for 4 more weeks.  There are so many reasons why things happened the way that they did, even though we didn't see it before.

This has truly been a long road, but it leaves me amazed at how God works things out in his way.

Dear Discouraged Homeschooling Mommy

Dear Discouraged Homeschooling Mommy,

It's one of those days when you feel you are never enough, have enough, give enough, show enough grace, teach enough school work, or have a clean enough house.  The beauty of all of this is what God is trying to teach you right now.  It's in moments like you are having today that he is calling out to you and saying, "You can NOT do this without ME!"

Take five minutes, grab your Bible, read some refreshing words of the Lord, say a prayer and move on with whatever your day brings while walking hand in hand with Christ.  All the while, remind yourself that you are NOT in this ALONE!

Ponder James 1:2-4, Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalm 119:105

You ARE doing a wonderful job. You are not a failure.  Your children are not better off with someone else.  You are doing enough.  Your house is clean enough.  Your children are learning and watching you.  For when you pull together through these tough times you are teaching them a bigger lesson than any math book could ever attempt to.  You can do this.  You are doing this.  You will continue to do this.  However, you will never be alone for God says in Hebrews 13:5 says, "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you."

One Income? How can I possibly homeschool?

When you tell someone that you are living on one income, they tend to assume the bread winner must, of course, have a significant income.  Oh how untrue that is for so many of us.  

For many years, Dan and I have had two incomes.  His full time job and my very busy wedding photography business.  It enabled us to live comfortably, but it was never what we wanted.  We both wanted me to stay home full time, homeschool our children, and live comfortably on one income.  That seemed like a big challenge that we had no idea how to accomplish.  

I kind of had the the mindset that I lived in the best of two worlds.  I was able to work nights and weekends and still homeschool my children.  The truth is, it was exhausting, hard, and wasn't what I wanted for our family.

About two years ago, we both felt strongly that God wanted us to train us photographers that could take over our business so I could completely step away, wiping our hands clean from a second income.  We had NO IDEA if or how that was possible, but we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was what we needed to do.  God brought forth a couple that Dan and I both adore.  Their abilities grew quickly and then I became pregnant with number 5.  That's when we knew it was time to close that chapter of our lives.

God provided ways for us to pay off debt, save money, buy a house, and quit our business.  All of that in one year.  I still am not even sure how we were able to do all of that in a year.  Now, here we sit in our own home, with one income, and expecting baby number 5.  

All of those years with two incomes and we could not pay off our debt or save for a house, let alone buy a house.  It wasn't until we committed to closing that chapter, that God made it all happen in such a short period of time.  That is nothing short of God's hand on our lives and our finances.  It has been a blessing to us to watch God move mountains.  

So, as we embark on our one income life, my encouragement to you is this:

If you doubt that you can homeschool because of finances, but you feel God calling you to homeschool, I strongly encourage you to take a big step of faith.  In those moments of obedience, God provides. The fear of finances should NEVER stop us from being obedient to the things God tells us to do.  It isn't a matter of how will you make ends meet.  It is a matter of will you let GOD make ends meet for your family?

To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool

Last year a number of my friends left both the public and private school settings to begin their journey to homeschool.  With that came criticism from so many, just as it did when Dan and I left a private school to begin homeschooling our children.  People ask new homeschoolers all the time, "Why are you homeschooling?"  It is a valid question that many people ask because they're curious.  It's a question some ask because they think a parent is not capable.  It's also a question asked by those administrators who are unhappy that the numbers in their school are now dropping at an astounding rate while the number of homeschoolers climbs every day.

So, why do many of us homeschool?

Homeschooling is what happens when God convicts you to do something different from the norm.  Those who homeschool don't do so because it's the next fad.  I don't know anyone who signs up for the more difficult option just because their friends are doing it.  We do it because we feel God calling us to raise our children in a different way.  Is he calling all Christians to do so?  Maybe.  I can say, he is calling his people by the masses right now.  Left and right Christians are being convicted to homeschool their children.  He's calling His people out of both public and private schools at a rate that we have never seen before and not one of us fully knows why.  What we do know is that our conviction to homeschool should not be interfered upon by someone else who thinks we are incapable, untrained, or inadequate.  NO ONE. I repeat.  NO ONE is more capable of raising and teaching your children than you are.  No one on the face of the earth can love and care for your child the way you do.  I don't need a 4 year degree to teach me how to manage my family, how to teach 1+1 or even Chemistry (a class I never took), or challenge them to think beyond their current level of knowledge.  All I need is to obey.

If God calls you to homeschool, NOTHING should stand in your way to be obedient to his calling.  Money, fear, and doubt are not reasons to prevent us from homeschooling.  Just like anything else in life, if God calls you, you MUST go.  

The first question to ask is, is he calling you?  The second question to ask is, will you be obedient?

Go.  Be obedient.