Broken

It's been almost a year and a half since Dan's accident and the birth of the twins.  That time has been filled with so much gratitude and awe for God's provision for our family.  I've been blessed to go through the ups and downs of raising two infants and now toddlers at once.  I've been blessed to still have a husband and have the opportunity to stand by his side, caring for him during his recovery.  All of that, along with the other four children, was a lot thrown in my direction at once but I didn't mind it in the least.

I'm one of those people who thrive under pressure and handle difficult, stressful situations pretty well.  I tend to be the one who carries everyone else through by encouraging them, caring for them, supporting them.  You get the idea.  Once everyone is settled and back to normal, I tend to break down and go through my own feelings.  The same ones I just helped everyone else go through.  

About a week ago, I realized that Dan's recovery is really coming to an end.  He still has pain but nightly pain is fading.  The twins are... well, they're the twins.  They're into everything, talking, fighting, playing, interacting.  They're toddlers now.  The older kids are lashing out in ways I hadn't paid a whole lot of attention to over the last year and a half because life just didn't allow it.  

All of this left me in a place of realizing I have yet to deal with my own feelings.  Here I sit.  Lonely, where no one else realizes the war that is within.  The war is simple.  It's a war of feeling lost, sad, hurt, tired, angry at all the things that have endured against the feelings that tell me to move on, keep strong, carry on, be a good mom, be a supportive wife, enjoy all these precious moments.  It's a real war that leaves me feeling like I should run away.  Run to a quiet place and just sleep and cry.

I almost lost my husband.  Holy crap.  I almost lost my husband.  The very real feelings of those moments of uncertainty before I knew how Dan was doing that scary day are still so fresh and real.  It's a wound that has been trying to heal for so long and it's still so raw.

I had twins.  Wow.  Two babies at once.  For so long everyone would ask how I was doing and I honestly responded with, "Really well.  This is the best thing I have ever experienced."  I meant every bit of those words and still do, but today is different.  Today my response would be, "I don't know."  Followed by a puddle of tears falling at their feet, just waiting for someone else to hold me.  

So here I am.  Truly hurting because I can't ignore the feelings that are forcing their way out.  Where does that leave me?  Realizing my need for Jesus.  For a year and a half I told my family to rely on Jesus.  To remember that whatever feelings they had in the midst of our crazy life, Jesus already knew and He was there to wipe away their tears, to give them rest, and to cary them through it all.  Now, I too need the same exact thing.  Jesus.  When all the cards are down and we feel like we are losing that battle, HE is there to pick us up and walk us down the hard road of life, giving us the rest we need until we can walk ourselves.  He's there to love us when it feels like no one else does.     

Never will I leave you,

Never will I forsake you.

Hebrews 13:5

The Grip of Fear

Those two little lines that revealed a little life growing within left us with an excitement that poured from us to all who would listen.  The joy of those around us made it feel that much more real.  

Then came the comment that left me with feelings of nervousness and uncertainty. "It's usually best if you wait to tell others until after the first trimester.  That way, if you lose the baby, you won't have to go through the heartache of telling everyone."

What kind of response should one give to such a statement?  I pondered the thought very slightly and moved on.

Two children later, those two blue lines appeared again.  The timing was not ours, but we were elated.  The excitement was short lived.  The pain was one I didn't even know how to navigate.  No one around me knew how to relate and almost blew it off with comments like, "At least you weren't far along."  I can not fathom the pain of a lost pregnancy further along than what we were experiencing.  Yet, there I was, with the most gory blood I had ever experienced, postpartum emotions, and a husband whose feelings were nearly nonexistent.  I had to tell people in the midst of the pain and I suddenly remembered that comment from my first pregnancy.  

"It's usually best if you wait."

Was there truth in such a strange statement?  Should I have refrained from sharing the joy so prematurely?

Then my fourth pregnancy happened.  How do you share such news?  Do we share?  What if I lost this one too?  Was I ready for more tear filled conversations?  The fear was almost crippling.  Please don't take another baby!  Please let me hold this baby.  Let me look into those little eyes.  PLEASE!

It was then that Christ revealed to me that not sharing this life accomplished nothing more than leaving me to live in fear.  Not allowing others to enjoy the moment, no matter how short or long, was simply letting fear reign over me.  Silence would leave me in a state of wondering, stress, worry, guilt, fear, etc.  God wants joy, freedom, hope, and most importantly, our trust in HIM.  Trust that says we believe that whatever happens on this earth is all for the Glory of HIM, who gives us life.  If I hide another potential loss, I'm simply hiding the glory that He may be desiring for so many to see.  

After our fourth child, we were unexpectedly expecting.  It was as if we were missing a piece of ourselves that we didn't know we were missing.  We didn't have much opportunity to share our news as the second loss we experienced happened so suddenly.  I still shared with our closest friends and family that we had lost another little one.  I didn't want that little life, now gone, to be forgotten.  While the emotions were soaring, the postpartum feelings raged, I settled into the comfort of knowing we did not live in fear.  Instead, we lived in the hope and faithfulness of Christ.

Some will say my story and situation is easier because, "At least I have children to hold."  Yes, I do.  I do not understand the loss that pains the heart of a Mommy who does not have a child to hold.  My heart breaks for you.  My prayer is that you find joy in Christ and he blesses you abundantly.  While I do not understand the extent of your deep pain, I can only encourage you to stand strong in faith.

Healing after Depression

For many years I struggled with my emotions but never understood why.  As a child, punishmemts occured because of my attitude, frustration, anger, disrespect, etc.  The hard part was that so often, I felt out of control.  Simply unable to function as I was supposed to. I always felt like a failure and often took on the belief that I was never going to be capable of success in whatever area I hoped to find success.  

As I began life as a wife, things only seemed to worsen.  I found myself pushing this man away from me in whatever way I could think of.  It was such a messy relationship.  Then we added children and I had a longing to fall in love with this new, beautiful being I had just birthed.  Something in me, however, couldn't.  No matter how hard I tried, something stopped me.  I longed for the connection that others lovingly referred to.  It just didn't come.  Baby after baby, it never came.  I loved them, but that connection.  That bond.  I felt trapped.  I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish but something pulled me deep down into an ocean of tears and kept pulling me further and further away.  

After four children, with children's spirits continually crushed by their own mother, I found an answer.  A disease with a fairly simple treatment - diet.  Within weeks I could think more calmly.   I could feel more deeply.  I could see more clearly.  I felt free for the first time in mylife.  Something as simple as diet could make me feel so alive.  

I basked in this new life for a good amount of time but the excitement faded when I began to see that just because I felt more "nornal", the damage that had been done all those years didn't just go away along with the cloud that hovered me for so long.  Instead, I began to feel deep heartache.  The resentment that those around me held on to from all the hurt they had received, ran so deep.  So incredibly deep.  The disrespect that my sweet, broken children had towards me was real and painful for all of us.

For the last few years I've been left trying to break those hideous habits that I used in order to escape from the life I was incapable of living.  Time.  It has been an eye opening season that has, and is, taking time to recover from.  Not just for me, but for all of us.  I am seeing my children grow in confidence as they feel secure in the love they know I have for them after years of uncertainty.  Their hearts are full and so is mine.  My marriage is in a happier place.  Still wounded but so much sweeter.  Slowly.

As I continue to grow and create new habits in my life, I'm reminded of Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you.  I will never forsake you.

Or

Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.

Not matter our struggles in life, He's there with open arms, guiding us, healing us, and forgiving us.  The only question we have to ask ourselves as we recover from depression is whether or not we desire our family enough to wade through the difficult road of healing.  I assure you, it's so worth it.  Those little faces, the loving arms... they ARE worth it.

Reflecting

This is the view from where I was sitting a year ago today.  

Reflecting back to the moment of Dan's accident, my 2 hour drive to Madison, waiting for his surgery to be over, it all still feels pretty fresh in my mind and yet, at the same time, so distant.  

Isn't it amazing that in the midst of a difficult time in life God takes you, mess and all and forms you into something... well... messy but not as messy?  

It's been a journey of growth in our marriage, growth as a family, blessings, being constantly humbled, and exhaustion.  Exhaustion is a freakin understatement.  The up and downs of Dan's healing over the last year, children, the twins - it looks messy from an outside perspective, I'm sure.  Truth is, this has been the most amazing year of my life.  

Oh Jesus, thank you.  What more can I say.  I'm really at a loss for words.  I am amazed at the blessing that is your provision and graciousness.  Always faithful.  Always.

To all of our friends and family that have dropped what they were doing to help, bring meals, pray, call, stop over, support, cry with, laugh with...  You all have such a special place in our hearts.  We're blessed to have an amazing support system.  NEVER can I repay you for all you have done for us!  THANK YOU!

life with twins

The last two weeks have been filled with a joy that I will never be able to explain, tears, pain, and a love I am so blessed to have.

People are in such surprise when they hear our story.  Some find it ridiculous that we didn't know we were having twins.  Some find it inspiring how God played it all out.  Today, I'm no longer surprised or in shock.  Instead, I'm nothing but grateful to be their mama.  They've brought us such joy and peace in the midst of the trial of Dans recovery.  There's nothing more beautiful than sitting back and seeing a baby in his arms.  After two miscarriages and Dans accident, I have only to be thankful.  All three of them are my miracles.  God gave them to me and didn't take them away when he easily could have allowed it.  He is a God of love and he has showered love on our family.

It hasn't been easy.  The nights are exhausting. The pain Dan has been in has been extreme at times.  Breastfeeding has been a huge challenge.  The kids have had to do a lot of adjusting.  I feel very overwhelmed from time to time.  It has truly been hard.  At the same time, I wouldn't change any of it.  

Thank you God, for these blessings.

Baby? Nope... 2 babies!!!

The last month and a half have been a huge adventure for our family, but all of the events are proving to be apart of one big story.

Just a few days before Christmas, we found that the baby I was carrying was breech.  After an internal exam, it led to premature labor.  It was a risk we had been willing to take to ensure we could continue with our homebirth and avoid a breech hospital birth (something Dan and I did not want).  That lead to 3 weeks of bed rest.  As frustrating as it was, it was an amazing amount of rest that would prove to be valuable in the coming weeks.  At week 37, bed rest was over.  I was thrilled to have time to get things accomplished before the baby would arrive.

Just 1 week after the bed rest, Dan had a really frightening accident.  One that left him with a trip on the medflight to UW Madison hospital.  While I knew he had a serious back injury, I had no idea what I would walk into the ER and see.  Would he be paralyzed?  Did he have feeling in his extremities?  Was he alert? It was the longest hour and a half drive of my entire life.  Thankfully, Dan "simply" had a broken neck.  After surgery, the same night, they had him walking.  I can't tell you how incredible that was.  It was at that moment that I knew it would be a hard road, but we would be ok.

Dan was released from the hospital the following night after surgery.  That frightened me but with help and support from so many around us, his recovery has been so quick.  My biggest fear was going into labor at the same time I needed to be there to take care of Dan.  How could I possibly do both?  He wasn't allowed to walk around without help, shower, go to the bathroom, etc.  He needed me and I wanted to be there.  It was a great time of growth for us.  A time when Dan had to stop being so independent and LET ME take care of HIM.  Constantly, I would find tears in his eyes followed by the words, "Wow... you do love me!"  It was different for us.  We're both so independent and here we were in a situation where we BOTH and to be dependent on others.  Our independence had been stripped from us whether we liked it or not.  Growth... thats what this time was.  Rest, recovery, dependence on God, marriage growth... 

My parents had wonderfully taken the three youngest children for just over a week to give Dan a chance to rest and recover.  On Feb 3, my mom brought the kids back and was going to head home after lunch.  While she was still here, my midwife came to do a normal 40 week checkup.  We did a few things to progress labor and within minutes I had a mild first contraction.  My mom was planning to head home and come back in the morning. It wasn't likely that it would pick up quickly so my midwife headed home and told us to call her when things progressed.  Over the course of the next hour, contractions were about 10 min. apart.  At about an hour and a half in with contracts getting really strong, Dan was on the phone with his friend.  I kept telling him to get off the phone.  I may have used some harsh language to get my point across, but he didn't think it would be a big rush.  I mean, afterall, we had hours left right?  As soon as he hung up I told him to get the pants off of me.  With in minutes with contractions jumping from 10 to less than 3 min. apart, the pain was getting unbearable.  Shortly after I told Dan, "I think I need to push." A couple of breaths.  "I'm going to push."  A few more breaths.  "Catch."  Dan wasn't buying it and I was waiting for him to catch before pushing too much.  "CATCH!"  The next thing I hear was Dan on the phone with my midwife, "Where are you?  THERE'S A HEAD COMING OUT!"  She was two miles away.  "JAN!  I'M HOLDING A BABY!  SHE'S SLIPPERY!!!"  My mom was now in the room holding the baby while Dan was being instructed to lie me down and give me the baby.  Once I started to lie down, I couldn't.  That's when I knew.  We were NOT done!  Back up.  My midwife walked in and baby number two came out breech... butt first.  The yells.  The astonishment.  The craziness of it all.  It was a huge ruckus of mixed emotions from us all.  The first set of twins ever delivered by my midwife.  The first set of twins she ever "missed."  

We had TWO girls!  In an instant our daughter Alanna went from outnumbered by boys 3 to 1 to even numbered... 3 and 3.  Everyone was ecstatic.  Dan was shocked, frightened, amazed.  My head was simply spinning.

We had a name picked out for a boy or a girl, but not two girls.  The first one born was named by Dan.  Abigail Joy.  It means fathers pride.  After all we had just gone through with his accident, Fathers pride was fitting.  Baby number 2 still does not have a name.

Abigail was 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Baby number 2 was 7 pounds.

So how did we miss it?  My measurements were almost exactly the same as my other pregnancies.  We only heard one heartbeat.  The second head did throw us off and left us to wonder if the baby was breech.  All along, there was a breech baby and one not breech.  We had no idea.  Dan and I avoided ultrasounds because we had no reason for one.  Just an added expense.

As crazy as it may seem, it really was Gods plan.  We lost our insurance this  year (thanks Obama) and had we known it was twins, we would not have had a homebirth.  Had Dan not broken his neck, I probably would have delivered the twins myself, at home.  Had he not broken his neck, Dan wouldn't be home for 4 more weeks.  There are so many reasons why things happened the way that they did, even though we didn't see it before.

This has truly been a long road, but it leaves me amazed at how God works things out in his way.

Dear Discouraged Homeschooling Mommy

Dear Discouraged Homeschooling Mommy,

It's one of those days when you feel you are never enough, have enough, give enough, show enough grace, teach enough school work, or have a clean enough house.  The beauty of all of this is what God is trying to teach you right now.  It's in moments like you are having today that he is calling out to you and saying, "You can NOT do this without ME!"

Take five minutes, grab your Bible, read some refreshing words of the Lord, say a prayer and move on with whatever your day brings while walking hand in hand with Christ.  All the while, remind yourself that you are NOT in this ALONE!

Ponder James 1:2-4, Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalm 119:105

You ARE doing a wonderful job. You are not a failure.  Your children are not better off with someone else.  You are doing enough.  Your house is clean enough.  Your children are learning and watching you.  For when you pull together through these tough times you are teaching them a bigger lesson than any math book could ever attempt to.  You can do this.  You are doing this.  You will continue to do this.  However, you will never be alone for God says in Hebrews 13:5 says, "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you."